Sooo....just things on my mind...

OK so a good friend of mine told me wiritng everything down might make me feel better so here it goes....and my spelling is gonna be bad and im going to blab but o well im gettin things off my brain!

lately ive been in a funk of sorts.....i cant explain it. it starts that i cant sleep at night....i sleep maybe for an hr n half at a time.....and i wake for no reason ( not to pee).....or i am way hot and sweaty (gross!) so i wake up and toss...and when i do sleep i have bad dreams....either about lily or my mom.....my mom seems to be in ALL my dreams....but she always dies in them....and in different ways.....its like i have to live it over all over again....which is hard on a day to day basis.... and then last month ive been sick and not myself. I just always thought pregnancy would be SO different. i feel like i should be happy ALL the time because im going to have a baby...but im not and it makes me sad :( and then today was the first time i really admitted it to myself....but my body changing is really getting me. I was alot heavier at one point and i finally got rid of all the weight....and now im pregnant...i mean before i was preggers i could eat ANYTHING and not think twice....and now i am gaining weight....and its hard.... i dont want to get back to where i was....a big fat blob....i know i wasnt skinny before i got pregnant ( about 150 ish....little more because of stuff going on) but...now ive gained a little...and its hard for me to deal with. im trying to tell myself ill get it off!!! i have a goal...i wanna try and be back at 150ish if not lower by the time its my birthday...which will be 3 months after lily monster gets here.....and then i feel so frumpy....and i dont have energy to do my hair or makeup because i feel like it doesnt matter imma look like a whale ANYWAY!! so why not sleep an extra 10 min??? and then well...i dont feel like attractive to hubby anymore.....which he says i crazy....but i dunno i just dnt feel like i can be zexyyy ( haha) with this baby belly.....*insert eye roll here*........i hope this passes soon. My next dr appts is thursday.....i have an ultrasound to check on lilys fluid and my placenta previa.....and imma ttalk to my dr about some sleep aids....because the benedryal he told me to take makes me sleepy...but that isnt the problem! if i could get like one 3 hr strech...i would be so much better off!!!! anyway ok so....there it is....most of it...lol my funk wise anyway....there are so many more worries.....it feels like shes NEVER gonna be here...i actually CRIED because it feels like i will never have a baby LOL and shes in me! ugh....if i thought the wait was bad while tying to get pregnant....this is torture!!!! i keep tellin myself...half way half way.....lol Im worried about work....my IDEAL thing would be to not go back to work....but that depends on what happens with hubby....its taken so long to have my little girl...i wanna enjoy her for a bit...plus i want to breastfeed...or try to at least lol so........then im worried...can i do this??? what if i dont have the patience?? what if i go crazy???? then what if i dont have the $$ to support this kid?? i know things ur supposed to think of before having a baby...but theres never a GOOD time to have a baby and well...shes comin rather we are ready or not....im blessed to not have alot of bills...but with me not working..... and if her fluid doesnt get better...*yes these are what ifs but still valid* or if the placenta previa doesnt get better....bed rest is a good possiblity....and while when at work i am sitting mostly...i dont know if i would even be able to do that! so just everything thats going on right now......and all that and NO SLEEP.....well doesnt help things lol.....ok so thats enouh writing for now.....imma go watch a movie with my love :) thanks for readin my blabin

21 weeks!!!

well i am offically more than half way there!!!! Lily is starting to move more and more, and sometimes i havent decided if i LOVE it yet...lol it tickles....but i love her and thats what matters. nothing new really going on this week,,,,besides i woke up monday and have had heartburn since.....tums are a no no.....when i was little i thought they were candy and ate half a thing...and havent been able to take em since.....i did try thursday...and barely chewed one let alone 2.... anyway that pretty much it preggy wise...and well regular life shit is the same......besides Alexis's increase in smart ass comments...gotta love having a teenager in a 9 yr olds body :) its ok...it will pass....one way or another...... so here are the pics for this week...

My view looking down....lol

and alexis got this pic of me and kris...lol i thought it was funny...between my face and his...he looks like his normal myschevious self....but he was tickling my belly...which drives me NUTS but lily likes it lol so...i put up with it...

For mommas lily bug

sooo i took this pic while i was in hospital...just to document how much i love my little one that i didnt want to he dehydrated.....she woulda been like a fish outta water soon!!! so....here ya go....looks lovely huh? like the tubby in the background...it was sweet....when i called and told him he needed to pic me up because of the pain meds they had to give me....his face when we walked in and saw me all hooked up was so...i dunno how describe it...like he was in pain....to see me in pain...all the color drained from his face....and he held my hand and kissed my head so many times.....it was so sweet... anyway heres the picture lol

i just dont understand some people....

yeah so im going to take this moment...and write about something that really irriates the piss outta me. well..its other peoples lives but oh well..opinions are like assholes, everyone has one right??

it drives me nuts that people cant ever be happy with what they have now. what makes you so much better than everyone else that u deserve so much more? yes, some pple have gone through harder times (altho everyones deff. of this is different than the next) seriously what intitles you to think that u deserve more than the other 5 gagillion pple on this world that want there life to be better? i have meet and know so many people who all they cant talk about is well this and this and when that happens man ill be happy......what is so unhappy right now? yes, u might not be rich, u might want someone who cant be here, but what about what u do have?? you have food, a job (if this applies), you can pay your bills and still do what u want, you have a bed and a house to sleep in. seriously....the people who think this way i am certain will NEVER be happy.....EVER because there ill always be something else they want, most of it materialist, that they feel they need to be happy....even if its not material.....you dont need a man to be happy, or what else....you need urself and the ability to look around and appreciate what you have......if u dont like that...then u might as well look forward to looking for more for the REST of ur life.....like following a never ending bumpy road, or climing a mountain for 20 yrs.....

anyway just me 2 cents...... every day i am HAPPY. yes there are things that make me sad, and i hope for the best, but i dont feel i am above anyone else...and that the best thing SHOULD happen to me because of whatever reason i might have..... anyway im done blabing for now :)

20 weeks!! yay

so i am officially half way there....and while this last week surely hasnt been boring with all the medical BS i am going through.....it seems like time is going slow. anyway belly pictures....ido see a difference in the side by side from last 3 weeks....but nnot in the last week....

O and update from my dr appt last tuesday. dr isnt concerned about the placenta previa yet and said that we will watch it close for next 6 weeks and if for some for saken reason it DOESNT move...we will discuss risks of it and everything then, but right now he thinks it ill move up and be fine.....so thats good news....keepin my fingers crossed.....

A song i LOVE.....

OK so i added a new song to my profile. yes i know its miley cyrus, but man this song hits the nail on the head. gotta remember this when every mountain takes longer than u wish to climb it for!
I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming but
There's a voice inside my head sayin,
You'll never reach it,
Every step I'm taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but
IGot to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high
There's always going
to be another mountain
I'm always going to want
to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb
The struggles I'm facing,
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down but
No I'm not breakingI may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I,
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on, cause
There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb (yeah)
There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb (yeah yeah ea ea)
Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith baby
It's all about
It's all about
The climb
Keep the faith
Keep your faith

19 weeks!

well ALMOST officially half way there if u go by the 40 weeks. and if i have to have Lily by c section she will be here more like in 18 weeks or earlier!!!! man thats not that far away!!! * freak out incerted here* lol anyway here is my belly pics for this week....ignore my face..i am in a slum lately and feel like i look like crap.....anyway here ya go...

and uncovered....strech marks are from before the pg....i used to be 250 lbs but got down to betwee 150-165....and then i got preggooo

anyway i have a craving for some spicy mexican food so cooking is out the window..... ta ta for now!

My anatomy scan update

well lily is doing good! she is 9oz and 9 inches :) dr said i was measuring right on and all her organs looked good. she didnt get a good view of her heart but said it was just how she was laying....that it seemed normal but couldnt tell me 100% until she got all the pics and measurements...... and she is 100% a girl...lol a DUhh.... anyway now bad part....well it isnt life threating..or not right now anyway but i guess i have placenta previa??? she said placenta is over my cervix, and if it doesnt move will have to have a c section. i havent read much about it so i havent done my research on how likely it is to move....the tech said that they will scan me regularly to monitor it and make sure to see if it moves....and will even scan me right before my c section to make sure its still needed....i honeslty dont know what to think, i dont want a c setion really the onyl thing i likeabout it is knowing for ure when she will be here LOL! anyway my fluid is also low, so they need tto keep that in check....i have to drink lots of water.....more so...so i goo back in 3 weeks to see my fluid levels and see about the placenta previa....here are pics of my lily bug...

yay!

i get to see lily in 2 1/2 hours!!! YAY !!!!!!!!!! its been FOREVERRRR!! i have my 20 week anatomy scan....i would have foundout what she was today if i wasnt impatient and didnt go and pay for it...lol oh well it was worth it...

havent updated much....Alexis has bronchitis, i have laryngitis and kris is just sick....i think im at the tail end of it today but yesterday i felt like shit....

also on top of seein lily....i have a dentist appt....BLAHHH... well gonna go eat my PB & J and drink my milk :) will update w/ pics of lily when i get back!

UGHHHH monday....

well i woke up this am....and i had NO voice!!!! it finally came back around 10 bt would come n and out.....lexi has had the same cough for a few weeks so when i went into work and couldnt talk, i talked to my boss and desided to make both me and her dr appts. well....i called around thinking ahh need to talk maybe half a day off....nope! the whole day, her appt is at 10:10 and mine is at 2.......but i HAVE to get rid of this cough, i feel like i am giving lily bug a headache with all the coughing..... so we shall see tommorrow what the verdict is! Another thing....lily bug...is a night owl!!!! all night last night she kept me up, right when i would think about falling asleep she would do a summersalt....and it tickled so BAD!!! its the weirdest thing! so yeah she went from about 10 til one in the monring.....but oh well... :)

anyway onna go lay in bed and see if i can stop coughing long enough to fall asleep!!!
adios!

18 weeks down! 22 left to go :)

Okie Dokie, today i am 18 weeks....almost half way there!!!! its weird to think in 4 months she will be here in my arms. i cant wait to see her little face....and kiss her all over :)
here is belly pic!

i cant wait for tommorow, Yoga with jenny!! and im looking forward to sleepin in. My cousin and are are also goin to do the baby shower invites and i will post a pic once i am done......hopefully she will agree to do the games and the RSVPing so i dont have to look like a complete dumb ass thats throwing herself a babyshower....but i dont have anyone else so that really isnt my fault... anyway i am off to bed!

its been 2 months today...

well today is the 2 month anniversary of my moms passing, and it has gotten easier on a daily basis, til i realize that she isnt ever coming back....then breakdowns come.....I miss her so bad...i feel liek she was the one person i could tell everything to and not have to worry about being judged or yelled at, or feelign weird about what i am saying. she would love me no matter what. man i miss that. its been months since i talked to her, since i felt her hand on my face, her kiss on my cheek, rubbed her bald and beautiful head :)......i smile at least when i think about her....a tear comes down my eyes but theres a smile undernealth them. I just wish she was here to see lily and see my belly grow...she really would have got a kick outta that.....i just wish i could tell her all about her, and hug her....have her tell me everything is gonna work out fine and i will be alright, but i wont be able to. irs just hard because i know shes in a better place but i cant help but wish she were here, even when she started getting sick, when she could still talk...but then i think about what she looked like and what happened the night she passed and i wouldnt wish that on my worst enemy to see that, to feel so helpless. I just wish she was here so bad..... i feel like i cant live without her, without her love and guidence. i know she can see me and lily and lexis, but it isnt the same.

i feel selfish and bad for saying what am about to say so please....dont take offense to anything. but i feel so mad at god. yes i am blessed, i have lily and a home and people do have t worse than i, but im so mad at him for making this happen to her. why not a year from now? why take her when i need her the most?? i wish everyone would have gotten the chance to meet her and talk to her, she was a blessed soul.....anyway this song came on the radio yesterday on my lunch break....make me cry the whole time....but...its true..

Sissy Song by Alan Jackson

Why did she have to go
So young I just don't know why
Things happen half the time
Without reason without rhyme
Lovely, sweet young woman
Daughter, wife and mother
Makes no sense to me
I just have to believe.
She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me.
Loved ones she left behind
Just trying to survive
And understand the why
Feeling so lost inside
Anger shot straight at God
Then asking for His love
Empty with disbelief
Just hoping that maybe.
She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me.
It's hard to say goodbye
Her picture in my mind
They'll always be of times I'll cherish
And I won't cry 'cause.
She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me.
Don't worry 'bout me.
Don't worry 'bout me...

Welcome to my world of madness....ok maybe not....

Ok. this is my first post in the blogging world, so forgive me if i dont quiet get or know how to do it?? lol...lets see...a little bit about me if you dont already know... My name is Stephanie and i am 20 yrs old. i was born and rasied in Las Vegas Nevada, and wont be leaving anytime soon. I am married to Kris.... we will be married 5 yrs come december. yes i said 5. we married shortly after my 16th birthday...yes, i wish i would have waited, but not because i regret being married, but because i was to immature to have made that choice for myself and i realize it now. I also have a step daughter, Alexis, who is 9 yrs old. She is the bestest kid ever!! she so smart and while she might have an 13 yr old size attitude....i love her more than air itsself! I have been her pretty much sole care giver for the ast 5 1/2 yrs....and regardless if she isnt mine by blood, she is in my heart and she feels the same way. Kris also has a son, Kamron, who is 4 (yes i can do math and thats a long story, no it isnt what u think) he comes to be with us everyother weekend, so he isnt here much. i am an easy going person, i like to hang out w/ family and friends and i lvoe to swim and go to the lake. i am a myspace junkie and practically live on my computer...what else do i have to do.....clean?? LOL i think not!! I recently lost my mother to terminal breast cancer on feb 2nd 2009. she was my light in so many ways and i miss her so much i can barely breath at times.

While last oct i suffered a miscarriage, we found out on december 27th that i was pregnant again, and this friday i will be 18 weeks! I already love my little lily bug so much i cant stand it. So this blog is going to be about my adventures through pregnancy, struggling with my emotions as i have to do this without my beloved mom here with me, and eventually my trials and tribulations with a newborn....im looking forward to it....are you??? :)