OK so a good friend of mine told me wiritng everything down might make me feel better so here it goes....and my spelling is gonna be bad and im going to blab but o well im gettin things off my brain!
lately ive been in a funk of sorts.....i cant explain it. it starts that i cant sleep at night....i sleep maybe for an hr n half at a time.....and i wake for no reason ( not to pee).....or i am way hot and sweaty (gross!) so i wake up and toss...and when i do sleep i have bad dreams....either about lily or my mom.....my mom seems to be in ALL my dreams....but she always dies in them....and in different ways.....its like i have to live it over all over again....which is hard on a day to day basis.... and then last month ive been sick and not myself. I just always thought pregnancy would be SO different. i feel like i should be happy ALL the time because im going to have a baby...but im not and it makes me sad :( and then today was the first time i really admitted it to myself....but my body changing is really getting me. I was alot heavier at one point and i finally got rid of all the weight....and now im pregnant...i mean before i was preggers i could eat ANYTHING and not think twice....and now i am gaining weight....and its hard.... i dont want to get back to where i was....a big fat blob....i know i wasnt skinny before i got pregnant ( about 150 ish....little more because of stuff going on) but...now ive gained a little...and its hard for me to deal with. im trying to tell myself ill get it off!!! i have a goal...i wanna try and be back at 150ish if not lower by the time its my birthday...which will be 3 months after lily monster gets here.....and then i feel so frumpy....and i dont have energy to do my hair or makeup because i feel like it doesnt matter imma look like a whale ANYWAY!! so why not sleep an extra 10 min??? and then well...i dont feel like attractive to hubby anymore.....which he says i crazy....but i dunno i just dnt feel like i can be zexyyy ( haha) with this baby belly.....*insert eye roll here*........i hope this passes soon. My next dr appts is thursday.....i have an ultrasound to check on lilys fluid and my placenta previa.....and imma ttalk to my dr about some sleep aids....because the benedryal he told me to take makes me sleepy...but that isnt the problem! if i could get like one 3 hr strech...i would be so much better off!!!! anyway ok so....there it is....most of it...lol my funk wise anyway....there are so many more worries.....it feels like shes NEVER gonna be here...i actually CRIED because it feels like i will never have a baby LOL and shes in me! ugh....if i thought the wait was bad while tying to get pregnant....this is torture!!!! i keep tellin myself...half way half way.....lol Im worried about work....my IDEAL thing would be to not go back to work....but that depends on what happens with hubby....its taken so long to have my little girl...i wanna enjoy her for a bit...plus i want to breastfeed...or try to at least lol so........then im worried...can i do this??? what if i dont have the patience?? what if i go crazy???? then what if i dont have the $$ to support this kid?? i know things ur supposed to think of before having a baby...but theres never a GOOD time to have a baby and well...shes comin rather we are ready or not....im blessed to not have alot of bills...but with me not working..... and if her fluid doesnt get better...*yes these are what ifs but still valid* or if the placenta previa doesnt get better....bed rest is a good possiblity....and while when at work i am sitting mostly...i dont know if i would even be able to do that! so just everything thats going on right now......and all that and NO SLEEP.....well doesnt help things lol.....ok so thats enouh writing for now.....imma go watch a movie with my love :) thanks for readin my blabin
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