its been 2 months today...

well today is the 2 month anniversary of my moms passing, and it has gotten easier on a daily basis, til i realize that she isnt ever coming back....then breakdowns come.....I miss her so bad...i feel liek she was the one person i could tell everything to and not have to worry about being judged or yelled at, or feelign weird about what i am saying. she would love me no matter what. man i miss that. its been months since i talked to her, since i felt her hand on my face, her kiss on my cheek, rubbed her bald and beautiful head :)......i smile at least when i think about her....a tear comes down my eyes but theres a smile undernealth them. I just wish she was here to see lily and see my belly grow...she really would have got a kick outta that.....i just wish i could tell her all about her, and hug her....have her tell me everything is gonna work out fine and i will be alright, but i wont be able to. irs just hard because i know shes in a better place but i cant help but wish she were here, even when she started getting sick, when she could still talk...but then i think about what she looked like and what happened the night she passed and i wouldnt wish that on my worst enemy to see that, to feel so helpless. I just wish she was here so bad..... i feel like i cant live without her, without her love and guidence. i know she can see me and lily and lexis, but it isnt the same.

i feel selfish and bad for saying what am about to say so please....dont take offense to anything. but i feel so mad at god. yes i am blessed, i have lily and a home and people do have t worse than i, but im so mad at him for making this happen to her. why not a year from now? why take her when i need her the most?? i wish everyone would have gotten the chance to meet her and talk to her, she was a blessed soul.....anyway this song came on the radio yesterday on my lunch break....make me cry the whole time....but...its true..

Sissy Song by Alan Jackson

Why did she have to go
So young I just don't know why
Things happen half the time
Without reason without rhyme
Lovely, sweet young woman
Daughter, wife and mother
Makes no sense to me
I just have to believe.
She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me.
Loved ones she left behind
Just trying to survive
And understand the why
Feeling so lost inside
Anger shot straight at God
Then asking for His love
Empty with disbelief
Just hoping that maybe.
She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me.
It's hard to say goodbye
Her picture in my mind
They'll always be of times I'll cherish
And I won't cry 'cause.
She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me.
Don't worry 'bout me.
Don't worry 'bout me...